Sunday, May 4, 2008

My brother

My brother is gay. I say gay because he has embraced his attractions as who he is and has boyfriends etc.

Of my two brothers I think him and I are the most similar but we are also the most poler oppistes. He is as liberal as I'm conservative and as far as the church goes he sees it as something that controls you and thinks for you. Ironicly he also has tried every form of religion to be spiritual because I think he in his heart misses the truth that he knows is in the gospel but doesn't want to accept the restrictions of the commandments.

The thing I've noticed about him is his extreme bitterness and how he is sure that everyone is a closet case. He's wanted to out me for most of his life and refers to me to his gay friends as his "older gay brother who is repressed." I think what keeps me from being totally honest with him is that I can see a lot of who I COULD be in him if I was to give up.

I feel bad because on one hand I know that I could be a good friend and support to him but on the other I don't know if thats what he really wants.

Its been hard on my family. Who are denial of it. I sometimes wonder if my mom knows about me. I've opened up to my bishop but thats about it.

I do have a testimony of the restored gospel. I don't hide in the church. For me the Church is a reality not a way to repress things. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to be happy. The temple is the only way to secure the blessings of eternity and that living the commandments is the only way to do that. I'm not deceiving myself. This isn't my culture telling me this. This isn't my way of hiding. I know its real. I don't believe that when it comes to commandments from God that one thing is right for one person and another wrong. God is no respecter of persons. We have a prophet and he is the one who God reveals truth through. Not my own lusts or will. I don't think allowing myself to do what feels good to be happy is really following the Lord.

I wish I could be more loving towards him but when I'm around him all I feel is bitterness. I know that one day I need to overcome this. I know that God loves him as much as he loves me. But I feel like he thinks the church is some cute little way that I hide from reality. I feel like he is mocking something I hold sacred. I don't see the benefit of opening up to someone who is just going to go and use it as a weapon against you in his quest to be happy. I don't know if that makes any since at all.


playasinmar said...

Are you sure what you feel around him is bitterness and not jealousy?

A CROW'S VIEW said...

You would say that, I'd expect that from you.

playasinmar said...

You're deflecting.