Wednesday, October 10, 2007

My new intro

I thought I'd write a new introduction. I've sorta outgrown the last one. And so in an attempt to get to know people better here goes. It's a bit long, but I wanted to touch on a few things and hopefully foster some understanding and if I needed to clear anything up maybe this will help.

I'm 34, an RM and live in Northern California. I have a testimony of the Savior, the Prophet Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon, the church and the Prophet.

I'm also attracted to guys.

I know how hard it is to believe something and to feel something else. The contradiction is painful. I think that it's healthy to be honest with yourself, it's the first step in trying to face it and overcome it. And yes, I said overcome it. That doesn't mean deny it or pretend it doesn't exist, it means "I choose to act not be acted on." I believe that my struggle is part of the "natural man" and I need to overcome the desires to live by the flesh and my lusts and live the way God wants me to live. That also means feel love the way God wants me to love. I also know God gave me this struggle to test and refine me, I know in Mormon culture we like to call our struggles gifts, but I do think it is a tool to teach me and to give me things I need to have to become who I am to become. I also know I need to acknowledge the way I feel as real.

I know so many guys who repress it and when they finally do cave, it turns them into really mean people who end up bitter, cynical and sarcastic towards the Church, God and anyone who is trying to be faithful to it or who may in their attempts to be faithful make them feel guilty.

I am so grateful to Elder Oaks for making it clear that I am not to use my feelings or attractions to define who I am and that it is my actions not my feelings that I am accountable for. I am not really out. I mean I've talked to my bishop. I've never really told my parents. I tell people who I think need to know. But I don't see it as being something that I need to "come out proud" about. That's a worldly concept. I am who I am, I am me first and foremost.

As for me personally, I've been to the temple and I've taken covenants that "I won't have sexual relations (notice the word relations and not sex, I believe that means things like making out, kissing and whatnot), with anyone expect with the person I'm married to." And so the bottom line is at least in this respect, I know what God's eternal purpose is for me and I can't reach that in a homosexual relationship. It's really that plain and simple. I can fight against the pricks so to speak and drag my feet and cry about how unfair it is. I can curse God and try to come up with reasons why I am the exceptions to the rules. But if the church is true and that is the doctrine, then I have to accept it if I want to be faithful. God is no respecter of persons and he doesn't give Personal Revelation that would counter what we know is true. I know he can give us revelations to help us individually be faithful and that isn't always the same as he would give
others but its always about how we can stay on the right path. Its more like a GPS system then being given a different map altogether.

Now having said that, I do believe that there can be real love between two guys. It just can't be eternal as much as I want it to be, or hope it could be. If what I believe is true it will have great eternal consequences. This is the hard part because I know that love can be just as real right now and that love can trap someone into not wanting to accept the truth and keep them bound to something that will eventually have devastating effects on their eternal lives.

At times I've thought I could make a compromise with God, if I could be with a man I love, I'd forgo sex and just live with him monogamously, coupled but celibate. And at times I've also wondered how God can keep his promise to me that if I'm faithful I can marry someone I love when I've never liked girls. And yes I've used "attraction" as an excuse not to pursue dating saying that "it's unfair to the girl." But I've also come to realize those aren't the real reasons. They are good excuses that make me feel better about not doing what I know I should. Because while I say I want to, I really don't and it really does come down to what I want and what I'm willing to do. I can believe God or my own doubts. Both are powerful forces.

These are hard questions for me and while I don't know the hows, I believe I know the answers, it comes in being faithful and following the Prophet. Its just hard to follow the Prophet sometimes when you feel like the answers are general and don't take how you feel into consideration. But then I also have to hold onto the fact that as far as Christs atonement is concerned, the pain He felt was very personal. He not only suffered for my sins but He also suffered and endured my pain so He knows how I feel. So if His servants give me a commandment from Him, while that servant may not fully understand it or give it with the verbiage that I feel shows understanding, I have to have faith in who his master is and that He loves me and understands me.

I've been "the only" for a long time. Growing up in the church in a small town meant facing being the only LDS guy at school and being judged according to those standards. Then add feeling like I was t"he only" one at Church who was different. I've never felt like I've fit in. And of course growing up in the Church being "gay" was a sin. No one ever told me that I could have those feelings and it wasn't my fault. It wasn't taught but it was implied that "I choose to feel this way" I knew I didn't, so I felt as if I was some sort of mistake. I went on a mission, and developed a strong testimony, but I cam home still attracted to guys. But all of this has made me stronger.

It also has unfortunately at times made me very head strong. I've joined some of the "moho" groups, again I use that term only for clarity, I think its a bad term which turns us into "ites." Personally, I reject a lot of the ideas that come from this community. We are all flawed people. These flaws are tools that God uses to teach us. I think a lot of the new philosophies out there serve to make us feel unbroken and fixed. As if there is really nothing wrong with us. That we need to "accept ourselves as we are if we are to be happy" and that change isn't possible and even a sin to consider. While I'll agree that change means more of a change of heart then change of feeling, I believe it means humbling ourselves to His will and not insist on Him accepting ours and then trying to mold the gospel around it. I believe that in order to be true disciples we have to mold our will around His. We are ALL broken and need fixing. That's what the atonement of
Jesus Christ is all about. That's the whole point of mortality. To overcome those things that do hold us back.

I think sticking to these ideas have led in part to me failing in my attempts to make friends because I can come off as preachy or over zealous or clingy or whatever emotional issue people want to use to make themselves feel better about judging me and distancing themselves from me.

And, YES I WRITE LONG POSTS!!!

I've tried reaching out to some in the LDS gay or SGA community and have found that to be honest with you those who are struggling can be just as mean and hateful as anyone in the gay community. But I also need to accept that a lot of it comes as a self defense mechanism. Its a product of self loathing and double life they are trying to lead. They don't want to feel bad, they want support. I may remind them of something they see in themselves that makes them feel unconformable or I remind them of something they want to block out. But support needs to hold up not justify or enable. They can also be just as judgmental about things like a persons age and physical appearances. If I am saying some harsh things, remember these are based on my own personal experiences.

And yes, while I know this may be making an unfair "generalization" I think there is some truth to it. I can't really "gay it up" at Gossip or some other gay club or bar on Saturday and than pass the Sacrament on Sunday, as if I'm visiting Sodom on a day pass. I can't than get mad at someone and call them judgmental who may point out the inconsistency. I can't use the "the Savior said not to judge me" card knowing that he also said "go and sin no more." BUT and I admit, I'm also very good at graying the area and saying "I just go to be with my friends and dance" but I know the other reason is that in some ways I crave being in an environment where I can let my hair down, "be who I want to be right now" and forget who "I'm trying to be," I can be "myself." These places normalize what I know is a sin but wish I could partake in without sinning. But I also know that the Sprint is miles away from those places.

Its hard when you don't fit in into either camp. And ironically some of my closet friends, those who have encouraged me to stay faithful have been LDS guys who are in gay relationships. I don't really know how to explain this other then to say that while I do believe what they are doing is wrong, they are living with honesty and not living double lives or trying to hide stuff. I also think deep down they know what they have given up and they don't want to see someone else go that path. I've also realized that these guys, while inactive aren't bitter or hateful towards the church. I've found that that comes mostly from those who are trying to lead double lives.

I've also learned a few lessons about making friends.

One thing I have learned is that I can't take the rejection of an offered friendship personally. I can't take what someone thinks about me or how they react to me as an indication of my personal value or worth as a person if my offer of fellowship or friendship was given with good intentions and honesty. There are times when that rejection has nothing to do with me and more to do with another persons emotional issues. Perhaps I remind them of something about themselves they are trying to avoid or forget or maybe its just an outward sign of there own inward struggle. When we are trying to feel normal we often attracted towards those we consider normal.

One final thought. I also can't let the way I've been treated by a few color the way I treat others. I do need to maybe listen more and talk less. Not be so free with my advice or opinions but I also need to be more forgiving. The hardest part of being forgiving is being able to forgive when someone hurts you and won't acknowledge it or apologize. True love will allow you to forgive that person and accept their flaws even if they refuse to do the same for you. I don't know why some people react to me the way they do. But I need to love them anyways and be willing to accept them as they are. I don't by to the notion that you can only have a few real friends. I think the power of love is insurmountable and there is always room for one more friend. Forgiveness needs to mean something to the person we are forgiving. It can't just be done to make us feel better. It has to be real. And sometimes its not accepted, but as long as my attempt is genuine then
that's all that matters.

The Internet is a tool for keeping in touch with friends, not a substitute for friends. But I also think its a good way to move beyond you local social network and reach out to new people and make new friends.

If I turned my back on everyone that I think is sinning I am making a mistake. I think also trying to project the "I love you even if you are a sinner" mentality can also be patronizing. I am honesty trying as hard as I can and being as faithful as I can. And that's something. I'm not perfect. But I need love and friends to. When I don't post for a while it would be good to know that people miss me or wonder how I am. We all need this. There are a lot of LDS guys who struggle with this who have given up. I think that those of us who are here are making an attempt no matter how strong or weak that attempt is to hold to something. I don't think we will ever get to the Celestial Kingdom fighting alone.

Honestly there are times when I can only be as faithful as I have the strength to be. These are times when I need support. If this is true for anyone else. If the church is true there will be a time when if I am trying, than I will be more fully converted.

Again if I have offended anyone in the past I'm sorry. I hope you will forgive me and give me another chance. I'd like to know what I did and be given a chance to fix it. But I also refuse to dwell on it past this. I'm extending a hand and an apology. I'm willing to move it further if anyone I've hurt wants to. But I won't force it. I'm sorry if my efforts to reach out have bothered anyone. They were done with the best intentions. I was only trying to be supportive and show love for those who struggle also. I have so much respect for those of you who are trying and I feel for those of you who feel like giving up. I've been there so many times. I understand. If you need a friend or someone to talk to I'm here.

12 comments:

GeckoMan said...

Crow, I'm glad to see you're blogging again! I have been thinking of you, wondering what was up with you.

Your long post is an indicator of all that you are and what you've been thinking. Thanks for sharing. I feel like I've gotten to know you better.

gentlefriend said...

You have left some insightful, compassionate thoughts for us to ponder. It is hard living in a world where so much is grey, not black and white. We are challenged to listen for the Spirit and try to follow no matter what others say. I see you trying to do just that. It is hard to avoid fun environments that get you caught up in everything but the Spirit, but it is worth it. Keep both hands on the iron rod. I am here cheering you on!!

playasinmar said...

"I believe that things are black and white, good or evil. Either they glorify and uplift or the bring down and destroy.

Yes there is a gap in the middle and various hues of gray ranging from indifference to cynicism. I think its in the gray that Satan dwells." -Crow (emphasis mine)

playasinmar said...

HA! Now you're moderating comments! Crow, we missed you. :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post. I happened onto the Moho blogging community recently, and have read quite a few blog entries. I don't know the history behind your interactions with other bloggers, but my beliefs are very similar to yours, so I wanted to share that with you and give you my support, even though I'm anonymous.

I think part of why I am anonymous is because I don't want to be known as a "gay" person because I don't want to follow the "gay" scene. I have SGA feelings, but am trying to deal with them between me and God, and work from strengthening my relationship with Him and hopefully together work out how best to live my life. I don't have all the answers, but I'm trying to live true to my beliefs and who I am. I struggle with some gospel questions and things that don't make sense to me, but I've felt what I've come to know as the Spirit and believe the feelings are from God, and they increase my faith even though there are things I don't understand.

I've never been to a gay club or had a gay relationship, so I can't speak to how much someone could miss those experieces if they left them behind. For me, neither of those feel like the right answer for my life.

I've found a mixed bag of ideas in these Moho blogs-- some I agree with and others that I don't-- but people have opened up their hearts and spilled them out, so I treat their beliefs and feelings kindly, and have learned from them. They have helped me realize that other people struggle with this, too, and are trying to find their way just like I am. Another blog I really like reading is called "How I Deal".

I agree that there is a temptation in the blogs to always give out hugs and pats on the back even when you think someone is heading in a bad direction. If they're a friend, I see nothing wrong with "calling them to repentance", and I'd say a true friend should probably do just that, always keeping in mind that they have their agency and none of us have all the answers.

I guess you're not the only one with long posts. Thanks for reading, even though I remain your anonymous friend in the gospel.

David said...

Hey! I just came across your blog, I'm kind of just getting involved in the Moho blogging scene :) This post was great, and although I'm pretty much choosing a different path than you at this point, two big things stood out for me. First, I definitely don't want to be one of those people that end up bitter and cynical toward the church. That's why I avoid mailing lists such as qsaints, etc. Even though I'm drifting away, I still believe the church is true and essentially good. Second, I like what you said about "it's hard when you don't fit into either camp". I don't really feel comfortable at church because I hide part of who I am there, and I always wonder what people there would think if they knew all of me. At the same time I don't really feel comfortable in the bars or clubs or parties either. Anyway, just some observations :)

RealNeal said...

Crow,

Congratulations!! Nice blog. I very much agree with your point of view, and commend you for staying the course. Its refreshing to see someone want to be faithful, when the trend among MoHos is to rationalize themselves out of the Church.

And you are not alone. There are many of us who feel as you do, and who reject the "Gay Way". Some of us, (like me and you) are single. Some are married. Some have tried the Gay Way, gotten disgusted with it, and are finding their way back to the Lord. There will always be the apostate nay sayers out there - they whine the loudest - but in the end that great and spacious building will crumble. So, as Gentlefriend mentioned, cling to that iron rod! I let go of it myself and almost got lost in the mist. But the Lord was merciful enough to reach out and pull me back! I can testify that God is not out there in that mist - that is indeed the entry to Satan's realm.

Be strong, my MoHo brother! Even though earthly friends may be offended, know that the Lord is your Eternal friend, and will never be offended nor forsake you!

In Christ,

Neal

Beck said...

May you find comfort in participating in this community.

I don't concur with all the paths chosen in this community just as all don't concur with my choices. That's okay. You can still learn from those who are not doing it "your way" or even your conviction of the "Lord's way".

Sometimes I give out too many "e-hugs", other times I "over-react" and attack. Usually when I over-react I need to retract and repent. Helping with love seems to go further toward truly helping.

I look forward to your thoughts and feelings here in this diverse community... for they need to be heard!

Forester said...

Thanks for the great re-introduction. You are definately among friends. This is a great place ot learn from each other's experiences and to offer support. I hope to see more of your comments and read more of your posts in the future.

reachingupward said...

Crow,

Thanks for you strong example and encouragement. I know I need it. I agree that while it is valuable for everyone to have an outlet for their feelings and thoughts, we need to use discretion in what we choose to surround ourselves with. I admire your courage to live up to what you know is right. Keep the faith!

James the Latter-day Saint said...

Crow,

Kudos to you my younger brother in the faith! Hooray for your posting. The blogs are awash with too much faithlessness. It is refreshing to hear a voice of vibrant faith.

I will keep an eye on your blog, and I invite you to mine, if you dare. I tend to be frank and fairly open, but I, too, strive to be a faithful Latter-day Saint.

I must say that for me, labels are useful for identifying, classifying and refering to entities or groups of entities. I reject the tradition that the definitions of the labels are etched in stone, rather I recognize that they are subject to constant personalization and evolution. Thus I have no issue with using the terms "gay" or "homosexual" or to a lesser extent "same sex attraction" or "same gender attraction." I define them for myself, as does everyone, though usually only we linguists are aware of this fact.

More to the point, as a gay Latter-day Saint I now know from personal experience that a gay Mormon can bridge his homosexuality and experience full love and passion with his wife.

Again, cheers! Hang in there!

kittywaymo said...

Crow,

I really love your genuineness and honesty. You are someone who I believe would make a wonderful, loving father and husband.

Just be honest when you do find the one you are suppose to marry in the Temple. The Lord will not leave you comfortless and you can still find happiness in the context of family life, yes with a woman. Attraction and love is very personal. You'll be surprised what God can do, as you already know!

If it is meant to be for you to marry etc. the Lord will provide a woman who you can be best friends with, who you can be honest about your attractions to men with etc. Just always be honest, that's the key.

Your desire to do what is right is so sincere. I agree with you that even amongst some in the "moho" (i don't like that term either , because of the "ites" thing and the separation from the rest of the bro's and sis in the Church/Gospel, for that matter I don't like the term ssa etc, but it's hard not to categorize)anyway, as I was saying, some can bring you down and lead you to forbidden, unhappy, not to mention unhealthy, even life-threatening paths.

We'll, I just want you to know I'll be praying for you, for some reason, I hadn't read your blog till now. I'm glad I did, you have a lot to offer to other people regardless of their sexual preference.

God bless you. Love Kittywaymo