I know I can sometimes come off as judgmental and mean. What I think that a lot of people forget is that I struggle just as hard as the next person. I have my issues. I'm not perfect. A lot of what I say are things I need to hear myself.
Someone told me the other day that I sometimes go about it the wrong way. I thought about that, what is the right way?
Thats a hard one. Its one I've been pondering. Its not easy. I think sometimes however perception is what determines a lot of what we think is persecution. Its like the difference between a sermon and kind advice from a friend who has been there. I think again its the way we take it.
People talk about support. What we consider support is a funny thing. Support should hold us up as we grow, not enable us to make mistakes and feel okay with them. Real support is firm and sometimes not always what we want to hear if it goes against what we want. Then it becomes preachy and we don't want to listen.
Its ironic how many of the more gay friendly bloggers can offer support such as: "Be true to your self and your feelings, stop letting the church control your life, the church has it wrong, its just old men who don't understand, God wants you to be happy and being gay will make you happy." And its okay. Its not preachy, its supportive.
But if someone stands up for what they believe is Gods side. The side they believe is true they are often attacked. Told not to judge, to take the beam out of your own eye, its not your place to judge, etc. etc. etc.
The problem is that if you do care about someone you don't want them to be hurt and you know that some things will hurt them. I honestly do care about people.
I think we sometimes like to isolate ourselves from feeling bad. I am terribly sorry if I've ever come off as mean or hate filled. That isn't the case. I feel bad if people think that. But on the other hand I won't be the sort of friend who tells you what you want to hear just to make you feel better about yourself if I know in the long run it will lead you to falling away. I won't be party to that.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Following the Prophet
After the death of the Prophet Joesph when the Saints were left on their own to follow "in faith" instead of following "by example" so to speak, there were many who had stepped up to "assume" the mantel.
When Brigham Young encountered a meeting of the body of the Saints that had gathered to hear Sydney Rigden preach that he was the prophets chosen spokesperson and therefore he should lead the Saints, Brother Brigham stood and addressed the body which included the quorum of the Twelve.
Instead of asking at first who the saints should appoint as their next leader, he said something really interesting. He told the crowd that no matter who they picked, the quorum who he believed now held the keys or Rigden, who claimed to be the prophets successor - they better follow whomever they pick as they did Joseph and not just follow until they are told something they don't agree with and change their minds.
Later he would say that it takes more then a belief of testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the church or the prophet. Just having those makes us no better then Satan and his angels who not only have a testimony of those things but an actual belief based on knowledge which is something we don't have, we only have faith. If they didn't they wouldn't be working do hard to destroy it. Its takes actions. It takes putting your actions behind that faith and doing.
He also said that no matter what it is the Spirit that matter most. No matter what it is the Spirit that will confirm truth of all things.
If we choose to follow the Prophet only when we agree with him, what is the point of having a prophet? God does not require blind faith as some would say following the prophet implies. He does expect complete faith not half hearted faith when it sounds good. He expects us to try our best. That's the key. He expects us to pray, use the Spirit and try our best. Yes, we need to pray about things and yes we need to seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost in doing so, but if we have a testimony of the restored gospel then part of that is in the calling and sacred duties of the prophet.
When the Prophet speaks as a man he is a man, for instance I'm sure there are things Pres Monson likes that I don't. Just because he likes a certain flavor of ice cream or something like that doesn't make it the inspired choice. But when he speaks as the Prophet he speaks for the Lord.
When Brigham Young encountered a meeting of the body of the Saints that had gathered to hear Sydney Rigden preach that he was the prophets chosen spokesperson and therefore he should lead the Saints, Brother Brigham stood and addressed the body which included the quorum of the Twelve.
Instead of asking at first who the saints should appoint as their next leader, he said something really interesting. He told the crowd that no matter who they picked, the quorum who he believed now held the keys or Rigden, who claimed to be the prophets successor - they better follow whomever they pick as they did Joseph and not just follow until they are told something they don't agree with and change their minds.
Later he would say that it takes more then a belief of testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the church or the prophet. Just having those makes us no better then Satan and his angels who not only have a testimony of those things but an actual belief based on knowledge which is something we don't have, we only have faith. If they didn't they wouldn't be working do hard to destroy it. Its takes actions. It takes putting your actions behind that faith and doing.
He also said that no matter what it is the Spirit that matter most. No matter what it is the Spirit that will confirm truth of all things.
If we choose to follow the Prophet only when we agree with him, what is the point of having a prophet? God does not require blind faith as some would say following the prophet implies. He does expect complete faith not half hearted faith when it sounds good. He expects us to try our best. That's the key. He expects us to pray, use the Spirit and try our best. Yes, we need to pray about things and yes we need to seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost in doing so, but if we have a testimony of the restored gospel then part of that is in the calling and sacred duties of the prophet.
When the Prophet speaks as a man he is a man, for instance I'm sure there are things Pres Monson likes that I don't. Just because he likes a certain flavor of ice cream or something like that doesn't make it the inspired choice. But when he speaks as the Prophet he speaks for the Lord.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Sometimes the truth hurts
Yes, Heavenly Father love us no matter what, but that doesn't give us a blank slate to draft our own set of personal commandments. And yes we do need to be tolerant to other faiths who may believe different then us, but that doesn't make them right. And we do have to respect the agency of those within our faith who either choose not to follow them or who mess up. You can do this without lowering your own standards.
Moral standards are sets of guidelines based on commandments of God and if lived they ensure that we keep those commandments. Yes, there are sometimes difference in the commandments and standards of the church and the cultural hedges we put up around the commandments. But when it comes to homosexuality its pretty set.
I was thinking about this. I think that sin as defined is anything that separates us from God. So it really doesn't matter what the sin is. I think part of why self lothing becomes an issue is that we begin to dwell on it and our happiness more then we dwell on our desire to live in such a way that pleases God. There is a gradual slide between wanting to believe that we can be happy and a good person and live a lifestyle that is sinful. And since we are good people how can we do evil. God knows our hearts right?
This fosters the whole "my relationship is with God and not the church" when we start to feel that since we are good people, what we want to make us happy is what God approves of because God wants us to be happy. Then pride takes over.
To throw out a standard because its too hard to follow or because its caused pain for the person who is unable to cope with the reality of it is rather shortsighted. Now yes we need to be Christlike and loving and understanding and help those who do struggle. When something is of worth it is often hard. What if someone who doesn't struggle has issues with not waiting to have sex before he is married. And has sex then feels guilty about it and kills himself. Do we blame God for saying that sex before marrige is a sin and its what caused his guilt and pushed him to kill himself? Yes, suicide is tragic and my heart goes out to those who have ended their lives, but its not an excuse for removing moral standards set in place by God. Only God can do that and he does that through his prophets.
We all want to be happy. But sometimes the hard cruel reality is that what we want and what the Lord wants isn't the same. He loves us and wants to bless us. He doesn't want to be separated from us. I think when we look at that as the real reason He has commandments, to prevent us from doing things that would separate us from Him and less as restrictions we can see that He does love us. When you factor in the atonement all He's done his love is abundant. He hates sin not because He doesn't want us to be happy or enjoy life, but because He knows the end results, He knows what will hurt us, what is real and what isn't and He knows that there are certain things we can do which if He is to be just, divine law dictates that there is justice and the last thing He wants is to be separated from us.
Its His work and His Glory is to bring to pass our eternal life and for us to inhareit what he has. He knows our actions can prevent that. So he has done everything in his power to warn us and protect us. He does this out of love and not vengefulness. He knows sometimes we want things that we think will make us happy but he knows will rob us of our eternal potential and thats why they are sin. Not because he is a cruel God who doesn't want us to be happy. Our happiness is in us becoming like him.
Moral standards are sets of guidelines based on commandments of God and if lived they ensure that we keep those commandments. Yes, there are sometimes difference in the commandments and standards of the church and the cultural hedges we put up around the commandments. But when it comes to homosexuality its pretty set.
I was thinking about this. I think that sin as defined is anything that separates us from God. So it really doesn't matter what the sin is. I think part of why self lothing becomes an issue is that we begin to dwell on it and our happiness more then we dwell on our desire to live in such a way that pleases God. There is a gradual slide between wanting to believe that we can be happy and a good person and live a lifestyle that is sinful. And since we are good people how can we do evil. God knows our hearts right?
This fosters the whole "my relationship is with God and not the church" when we start to feel that since we are good people, what we want to make us happy is what God approves of because God wants us to be happy. Then pride takes over.
To throw out a standard because its too hard to follow or because its caused pain for the person who is unable to cope with the reality of it is rather shortsighted. Now yes we need to be Christlike and loving and understanding and help those who do struggle. When something is of worth it is often hard. What if someone who doesn't struggle has issues with not waiting to have sex before he is married. And has sex then feels guilty about it and kills himself. Do we blame God for saying that sex before marrige is a sin and its what caused his guilt and pushed him to kill himself? Yes, suicide is tragic and my heart goes out to those who have ended their lives, but its not an excuse for removing moral standards set in place by God. Only God can do that and he does that through his prophets.
We all want to be happy. But sometimes the hard cruel reality is that what we want and what the Lord wants isn't the same. He loves us and wants to bless us. He doesn't want to be separated from us. I think when we look at that as the real reason He has commandments, to prevent us from doing things that would separate us from Him and less as restrictions we can see that He does love us. When you factor in the atonement all He's done his love is abundant. He hates sin not because He doesn't want us to be happy or enjoy life, but because He knows the end results, He knows what will hurt us, what is real and what isn't and He knows that there are certain things we can do which if He is to be just, divine law dictates that there is justice and the last thing He wants is to be separated from us.
Its His work and His Glory is to bring to pass our eternal life and for us to inhareit what he has. He knows our actions can prevent that. So he has done everything in his power to warn us and protect us. He does this out of love and not vengefulness. He knows sometimes we want things that we think will make us happy but he knows will rob us of our eternal potential and thats why they are sin. Not because he is a cruel God who doesn't want us to be happy. Our happiness is in us becoming like him.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
My Brother - Some Clarification
I think perhaps a little more explanation is in order. I have received a couple letters asking me if perhaps my feelings are based more on jealousy then anything else.
Thats an interesting question. One that I think may have been yes at first but not so much anymore. Yes at first I think it would be fun to act out, but then I see the results.
The more and more the years pass I see how more and more he is unhappy with things. he makes a ton more money them me. But its all in an effect to be happy. Going from one religion or philosophy to the next. His house looks like a shrine to every no Christian faith out there and never really finding what he had once. I also have noticed something. My family while very argumentative is largely accepting. He has been able to bring his "roommate" home for dinner at times. Its not that he isn't "accepted" its that he is trying to be unaccepted so he can have something to be upset about.
When we have dinner it is normally him who baits conversations to try to start conflict. We are all trying hard to get along and we smile at his comments and change the subject but he continues to push buttons until someone gets upset and flairs up. Its not normally one of us who does it or provokes it. I have actually met some of his ex's who have asked me why in some ways we are so similar but the spirit about us is different. That I don't seem to have this vindictive streak and all I can say is that while I struggle I'm not bitter.
The worst thing in the world is to be bitter about not having anything to really be bitter about. I like to think of it as the "Poor Upper Middle Class White Boy Syndrome, the activitist of the month club." He is largely accepted by everyone in my ward, when he comes, yes they think what he is doing is wrong, but no one has ever turned their back on him. He has home teachers in his ward and they visit him and he is being fellowshipped. He is welcomed.
I do love him. I do feel sorry for him. He is still my brother. I can't say that I would ever really choose to be his friend if I met him socially and we weren't related. But I think I would try. It is hard to be friends with someone who is always trying to "out" you or attack the Gospel you hold dear. It doesn't feel good when you are constantly called a blind sheep.
To wrap both of these items up into one and to thank Kam for the love and concern he has expressed in his heartfelt post let me just say this. Thank you.
Finally, there are many good and wonderful things in this world. There are many good and wonderful situations we can place ourselves in. There are also many good and wonderful people we can try to associate and be friends with. We also have our families and wards and such. A lot of this is what we bring into these situations, friendships and environments. A lot of what we take out of them has to do with what we are willing to invest in them.
And yes there are places that the spirit doesn't dwell and we should avoid and people who will drag us down who we should also avoid. But in all cases we should always be willing to love. Sometimes we need to look deeper into their motivation. Is it perhaps pain that is causing it and will loving them help? Last week in priesthood someone pointed out the difference between being friendly and being a friend. You can go to church and have everyone be friendly and still leave lonely. Sometimes we need to leave our groups, make room for one more and actually be a friend.
People often quote the KJV of the Bible in saying we shouldn't judge, I think we need to sometimes. The JST clarifies this in saying we should never condemn. We do need to judge what is best for us. Is this selfish? I do think sometimes we confuse selfishness with looking out for what is best for ourselves. We need to do this. Its imperative for our own emotional health. If we don't do this we can never really help others. We need to be okay with ourselves and our feelings before we can ever try to help another person do the same. Sometimes and I'll admit maybe in the case of me and my brother, I see too much of myself in him to want to reach out because its painful. And yes I need to get past that.
Thats an interesting question. One that I think may have been yes at first but not so much anymore. Yes at first I think it would be fun to act out, but then I see the results.
The more and more the years pass I see how more and more he is unhappy with things. he makes a ton more money them me. But its all in an effect to be happy. Going from one religion or philosophy to the next. His house looks like a shrine to every no Christian faith out there and never really finding what he had once. I also have noticed something. My family while very argumentative is largely accepting. He has been able to bring his "roommate" home for dinner at times. Its not that he isn't "accepted" its that he is trying to be unaccepted so he can have something to be upset about.
When we have dinner it is normally him who baits conversations to try to start conflict. We are all trying hard to get along and we smile at his comments and change the subject but he continues to push buttons until someone gets upset and flairs up. Its not normally one of us who does it or provokes it. I have actually met some of his ex's who have asked me why in some ways we are so similar but the spirit about us is different. That I don't seem to have this vindictive streak and all I can say is that while I struggle I'm not bitter.
The worst thing in the world is to be bitter about not having anything to really be bitter about. I like to think of it as the "Poor Upper Middle Class White Boy Syndrome, the activitist of the month club." He is largely accepted by everyone in my ward, when he comes, yes they think what he is doing is wrong, but no one has ever turned their back on him. He has home teachers in his ward and they visit him and he is being fellowshipped. He is welcomed.
I do love him. I do feel sorry for him. He is still my brother. I can't say that I would ever really choose to be his friend if I met him socially and we weren't related. But I think I would try. It is hard to be friends with someone who is always trying to "out" you or attack the Gospel you hold dear. It doesn't feel good when you are constantly called a blind sheep.
To wrap both of these items up into one and to thank Kam for the love and concern he has expressed in his heartfelt post let me just say this. Thank you.
Finally, there are many good and wonderful things in this world. There are many good and wonderful situations we can place ourselves in. There are also many good and wonderful people we can try to associate and be friends with. We also have our families and wards and such. A lot of this is what we bring into these situations, friendships and environments. A lot of what we take out of them has to do with what we are willing to invest in them.
And yes there are places that the spirit doesn't dwell and we should avoid and people who will drag us down who we should also avoid. But in all cases we should always be willing to love. Sometimes we need to look deeper into their motivation. Is it perhaps pain that is causing it and will loving them help? Last week in priesthood someone pointed out the difference between being friendly and being a friend. You can go to church and have everyone be friendly and still leave lonely. Sometimes we need to leave our groups, make room for one more and actually be a friend.
People often quote the KJV of the Bible in saying we shouldn't judge, I think we need to sometimes. The JST clarifies this in saying we should never condemn. We do need to judge what is best for us. Is this selfish? I do think sometimes we confuse selfishness with looking out for what is best for ourselves. We need to do this. Its imperative for our own emotional health. If we don't do this we can never really help others. We need to be okay with ourselves and our feelings before we can ever try to help another person do the same. Sometimes and I'll admit maybe in the case of me and my brother, I see too much of myself in him to want to reach out because its painful. And yes I need to get past that.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
My brother
My brother is gay. I say gay because he has embraced his attractions as who he is and has boyfriends etc.
Of my two brothers I think him and I are the most similar but we are also the most poler oppistes. He is as liberal as I'm conservative and as far as the church goes he sees it as something that controls you and thinks for you. Ironicly he also has tried every form of religion to be spiritual because I think he in his heart misses the truth that he knows is in the gospel but doesn't want to accept the restrictions of the commandments.
The thing I've noticed about him is his extreme bitterness and how he is sure that everyone is a closet case. He's wanted to out me for most of his life and refers to me to his gay friends as his "older gay brother who is repressed." I think what keeps me from being totally honest with him is that I can see a lot of who I COULD be in him if I was to give up.
I feel bad because on one hand I know that I could be a good friend and support to him but on the other I don't know if thats what he really wants.
Its been hard on my family. Who are denial of it. I sometimes wonder if my mom knows about me. I've opened up to my bishop but thats about it.
I do have a testimony of the restored gospel. I don't hide in the church. For me the Church is a reality not a way to repress things. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to be happy. The temple is the only way to secure the blessings of eternity and that living the commandments is the only way to do that. I'm not deceiving myself. This isn't my culture telling me this. This isn't my way of hiding. I know its real. I don't believe that when it comes to commandments from God that one thing is right for one person and another wrong. God is no respecter of persons. We have a prophet and he is the one who God reveals truth through. Not my own lusts or will. I don't think allowing myself to do what feels good to be happy is really following the Lord.
I wish I could be more loving towards him but when I'm around him all I feel is bitterness. I know that one day I need to overcome this. I know that God loves him as much as he loves me. But I feel like he thinks the church is some cute little way that I hide from reality. I feel like he is mocking something I hold sacred. I don't see the benefit of opening up to someone who is just going to go and use it as a weapon against you in his quest to be happy. I don't know if that makes any since at all.
Of my two brothers I think him and I are the most similar but we are also the most poler oppistes. He is as liberal as I'm conservative and as far as the church goes he sees it as something that controls you and thinks for you. Ironicly he also has tried every form of religion to be spiritual because I think he in his heart misses the truth that he knows is in the gospel but doesn't want to accept the restrictions of the commandments.
The thing I've noticed about him is his extreme bitterness and how he is sure that everyone is a closet case. He's wanted to out me for most of his life and refers to me to his gay friends as his "older gay brother who is repressed." I think what keeps me from being totally honest with him is that I can see a lot of who I COULD be in him if I was to give up.
I feel bad because on one hand I know that I could be a good friend and support to him but on the other I don't know if thats what he really wants.
Its been hard on my family. Who are denial of it. I sometimes wonder if my mom knows about me. I've opened up to my bishop but thats about it.
I do have a testimony of the restored gospel. I don't hide in the church. For me the Church is a reality not a way to repress things. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to be happy. The temple is the only way to secure the blessings of eternity and that living the commandments is the only way to do that. I'm not deceiving myself. This isn't my culture telling me this. This isn't my way of hiding. I know its real. I don't believe that when it comes to commandments from God that one thing is right for one person and another wrong. God is no respecter of persons. We have a prophet and he is the one who God reveals truth through. Not my own lusts or will. I don't think allowing myself to do what feels good to be happy is really following the Lord.
I wish I could be more loving towards him but when I'm around him all I feel is bitterness. I know that one day I need to overcome this. I know that God loves him as much as he loves me. But I feel like he thinks the church is some cute little way that I hide from reality. I feel like he is mocking something I hold sacred. I don't see the benefit of opening up to someone who is just going to go and use it as a weapon against you in his quest to be happy. I don't know if that makes any since at all.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Marketing Normality
I wrote this in response to someone who had mentioned that the guys depicted on the Northstar Website all seemed to be very attractive and wondered about this. For the record I did not say that it was Ty on the cover of his book.
*********
Let's be honest with ourselves how many guys do you honestly see clicking on it if the guys didn't look that way?
My background is public relations and marketing and what is going on here is no different then what other websites and magazines do everyday. Even the church does it in its media campaigns and magazines photos.
Its not so much of a glorification of perfection, youth, ideal body size, hair or style. Its more about an accepted standard of comfortable perceived normality. These models are on one hand very attractive and do draw our attention. On the next level there is nothing remarkably distracting about them that will take away from the message that is being projected. The are comfortable set dressings.
Everyone wants to be and feel normal. Like it or not those images personify normality within the culture we live in. Its easier to hear messages and accept them from people who appear normal and thus make us feel normal.
Many of us read Ty's book because we already knew him. However for those who don't and are in that section of Deseret Book, who randomly pick up the book or are looking for a non threatening book on a very intimidating topic, the photo is effective. This is a good looking guy, on the surface someone who looks like he shouldn't have issues. So the potential reader wonders "What? How can someone like this who looks so normal live a life in quiet desperation?" This is a very effective method to get the message out.
How many photo illustrations in the Ensign portray what Sacrament meeting is really like? The one I went to today had sleepy people, tired and stressed out parents. A lot of overweight people stuffed into shirts to small for them. Lots of pew monkeys, cheerios and screaming kids. I was thumbing through the Ensign and there was a picture of a large young family sitting in church. I don't know what they put in the Cheerios in that ward but its not like and ward I've sat in.
People don't want to be reminded of reality. Those who are into marketing and design know this. Perfection and the perceived normality are tools advertisers use everyday to get their message out. People see it and imagine they relate to the happy, smiley good looking people.
In this case the Northstar, Ty's book and the Ensign have positive messages. Using the most effective tools to spread that message isn't a bad thing. Now yes I admit that I don't fit the image of the guys on the site and yeah it would be cool to see a few "realistic" looking images. But its the message that is more important.
Is this being part of the world or using their methods? Yes to a degree, but as Elder Bednar has said some of our best tools to reach the world are found there, but you have to turn them 180 degrees.
Now yes I do think we need to be more accepting. And yes I think it is wrong to assume that just because someone is thin and therefore attractive, wears Auerostle or A&F or has that faux-moho-hauck is somehow more worthy, normal, less needy or deserving of friendship or Christlike love. Yes, maybe they are easier to accept and love because such association may make us feel "normal" but that kind of normal is what does breed clicks and ites.
I believe this is truly what living in the world but not being of the world means.
*********
Let's be honest with ourselves how many guys do you honestly see clicking on it if the guys didn't look that way?
My background is public relations and marketing and what is going on here is no different then what other websites and magazines do everyday. Even the church does it in its media campaigns and magazines photos.
Its not so much of a glorification of perfection, youth, ideal body size, hair or style. Its more about an accepted standard of comfortable perceived normality. These models are on one hand very attractive and do draw our attention. On the next level there is nothing remarkably distracting about them that will take away from the message that is being projected. The are comfortable set dressings.
Everyone wants to be and feel normal. Like it or not those images personify normality within the culture we live in. Its easier to hear messages and accept them from people who appear normal and thus make us feel normal.
Many of us read Ty's book because we already knew him. However for those who don't and are in that section of Deseret Book, who randomly pick up the book or are looking for a non threatening book on a very intimidating topic, the photo is effective. This is a good looking guy, on the surface someone who looks like he shouldn't have issues. So the potential reader wonders "What? How can someone like this who looks so normal live a life in quiet desperation?" This is a very effective method to get the message out.
How many photo illustrations in the Ensign portray what Sacrament meeting is really like? The one I went to today had sleepy people, tired and stressed out parents. A lot of overweight people stuffed into shirts to small for them. Lots of pew monkeys, cheerios and screaming kids. I was thumbing through the Ensign and there was a picture of a large young family sitting in church. I don't know what they put in the Cheerios in that ward but its not like and ward I've sat in.
People don't want to be reminded of reality. Those who are into marketing and design know this. Perfection and the perceived normality are tools advertisers use everyday to get their message out. People see it and imagine they relate to the happy, smiley good looking people.
In this case the Northstar, Ty's book and the Ensign have positive messages. Using the most effective tools to spread that message isn't a bad thing. Now yes I admit that I don't fit the image of the guys on the site and yeah it would be cool to see a few "realistic" looking images. But its the message that is more important.
Is this being part of the world or using their methods? Yes to a degree, but as Elder Bednar has said some of our best tools to reach the world are found there, but you have to turn them 180 degrees.
Now yes I do think we need to be more accepting. And yes I think it is wrong to assume that just because someone is thin and therefore attractive, wears Auerostle or A&F or has that faux-moho-hauck is somehow more worthy, normal, less needy or deserving of friendship or Christlike love. Yes, maybe they are easier to accept and love because such association may make us feel "normal" but that kind of normal is what does breed clicks and ites.
I believe this is truly what living in the world but not being of the world means.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
FHE and my friend Dan
I wanted to write about an experience this past conference trip. I haven't had time because I've been on a deadline to finish. But I feel like if I don't write about it, I would be proving myself unworthy of the blessings I received.
Also I apologize for the style this is written in. The only way I feel I can express this is to dramatize it a bit, including dialog so that it reads more like a story. This is very personal to me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
. . . FHE and My Friend Dan . . .
Sitting in a car driving through the Nevada desert at night is typically boring. I decided to come out for conference and I brought a friend. A friend who doesn't struggle with SGA and didn't know that I did either.
Conference would be cool. I work for a newspaper so we would have media passes. This means we get into all the sessions and don't have to wait in lines. And yes we are working, this is awesome because when I get home, I get to write about conference and share it with those not of our faith who read the paper. We get to take pictures and all that. We would be able to meet the new apostle and YW Presidency, and attend the press conferences for them.
It was after conference that I was worried about.
I was a little concerned about the Matis FHE. I really wanted to go, I had made some personal resolutions to mend some fences with some of the guys there.
The speaker was someone I've become an accidental fan of over the years. I had met him when he played "Joseph" in "Savior of the World." I hadn't realized it, I was more interested in meeting the actress playing "Mary." But I was looking at my ticket and realized he had signed it. A year or so later he played Alma Richards in "Light of the World," a production performed at the Conference Center during the 2002 Winter Olympics in SLC. Later I met him again at Deseret Books and he signed a CD. He played Hyrum Smith in the new Joseph Smith movie shown at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and that new movie about Emma Smith.
The problem was, how do I explain FHE to my friend without explaining the purpose or more specifically the people attending the FHE without "outing" myself.
I had a couple of the speakers CD's, I played on the way hoping to spark some interest at which I could then go into "Well actually if you like his work, I know how you can meet him," type thing. But that didn't happen. I than told him that Monday I would probably go to family FHE and so if there was anything he wanted to do then he could do it. He said, "No, I'm cool with whatever you want to do."
I was kind of stuck.
Being together with someone for 11 hours is a good way to get to know them. At first I wasn't really sure if he wanted to come, he had tried to bring several people along and then when they bowed out asked if we could cut the trip short. Leave on Wednesday. Dan had always struck me as someone I should get to know; I think it was his eyes or something. He seemed to understand things. The only problem was that I don't think he knew he understood things. By the end of the trip to Utah we would learn a lot about each other, that we both struggle with different but equally challenging things that kept us from being open completely to those around us. That we are both more alike then different. And we ended up staying the whole week.
**********
Earlier that morning we had had lunch at Dee's and this server who must have assumed we were a couple started telling us of some cool things we could do in Utah as long as we didn't let the fact that it was a “theocracy” bother us. He then scribbled his number on the City Weekly.
I ask Dan over our Wisconsin Cheese Soup, if he could tell that the server liked guys
"No, he's not, he was just being nice." I chucked and said, "Dan he was inviting us to go to Gossip on Saturday night after priesthood."
By Sunday night Dan had met a couple SGA friends who are trying very hard to be faithful and who are living the gospel and a couple openly gay friends who weren't. As we were laying in the dark, he asked me outright. "What do you think about it? Do you think its a choice?"
I asked him, "Well do you choose to like girls?"
I asked him how he would feel if during the Priesthood Session if Pres Monson announced that from here-on-out men were to only be attracted to men and date and marry other men and that having sex with women was an abomination. "Would you be able to deal with that?" That he would have to “change” his attraction.
He said he never thought of it that way. He always just thought that guys could just change. "But what does the church feel about it? I mean I know it's a sin?" he asked.
I was sleeping on the couch, he was in his sleeping bag on the floor. It was about 4 a.m. conference was still fresh in our minds. We were tired, but at the point where we weren't sleepy. I told him about the pamphlet and what it says. Two days of being exposed to the gospel accompanied by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir tends to do that to you.
I then told him I had been praying that he would ask me about this because there was something I needed to ask him.
I then told him about Brother and Sister Matis and their son, their book, and I told him about the FHE they host. I told him about the guys who go there. I also told him that I would never put him in a situation where he felt awkward and if he didn't want to go I'd understand.
"I would really like to go," he said. "You know up until now I never really thought about it. I mean I know that there are gay people, but I've never really thought about there being gay people who are trying to be faithful to the church. I guess I don't understand because they still like guys but they are choosing not to act on it. That must really be hard," he said.
"So are you telling me that those guys we stayed with are like that, that they are trying hard and being faithful? He asked. “Do you think they can change?"
I asked him again if he could change and like guys? Than I asked him how he would feel if he loved something as much as we both loved the church but at the same time knew it felt about something that feels to us?
*******
A friend of mine was letting us barrow his condo. It was awesome, but he had friends over the night before so we couldn't actually stay there until that night when they left to play in Moab. Its funny how we come to Utah for conference and a lot of people from Utah escape during the week.
It turned out also that a good friend and former co-worker also just happened to be driving with her friend through Utah that night and called me thinking I was at home wondering if I knew anyone in SLC that they could crash. This was why we were sleeping downstairs and the two girls were upstairs in the bedrooms.
The night before we stayed with two friends who also struggle. Dan was oblivious to this fact. After the server incident he had decided that his gaydar didn't work.
That morning I got a text message from one of the friends asking me if Dan was going to come with us or not. I told him yes.
"You do know there will be gay people there." Was the next response.
I was tempted to say something about how we will just tell him that this was a ward that had a large Elders Quorum who happened to all be really well dressed and share the same affinity for faux hocks, girl pants, tight polo shirts and Aqua Gio. But I didn't.
My friend didn't know that Dan already knew.
*********
So we set off to have lunch with another friend and his friend and friends of his friends. Two of them were planning on going to FHE with us.
After lunch and touring around downtown SLC we headed back to the apartment to pool rides to Lehi. I told Dan that one of the guys we were staying with was panicking because he was going. I told him about the message.
Pulling a face and sounding very GA-ish he said, "Now Jerry, we both know that the correct way to refer to it is Same Gender Attracted and not gay."
I could have hugged him, but I punched him instead. It seemed like the most hetro-way to show affection at the moment. We decided to pull the same joke on my panicking friend when we got upstairs.
*********
On the way home from Family Home Evening Dan thanked me.
"You know besides General Conference, I think this will be one of the highlights of my trip," he said. I sat next to him and thought about the anxiety I had been plagued with the few days before we left when I wondered how I was going to either invite him or ditch him so I could come.
"Those people are awesome and the love they show is so Christlike," he said referring to Brother and Sister Matis.
As we drove back to Salt Lake we marveled at how bright the temples were.
"You know this trip has changed my outlook," he said. "I think I will never look at people and their struggles the same again. We all have struggles and those things are things we deal with. It's how you handle them, how you act on them that determines if things are a sin or not. A lot of those guys are really trying and struggling with something really hard, it makes me want to try harder also."
We sat quietly for a bit. I wondered why he hadn't asked me if I struggled? He explained that it didn't matter to him as my friend, and it only mattered how I choose to deal with it and that was between God and me.
"Jerry, thank you for bringing me tonight," he said. "I think I needed to see this in order to realize this and learn that lesson."
We sat quietly a little more and then he added.
"Oh and Jerry, there was a lot of faux hocks, girl pants, tight polo shirts and Aqua Gio there wasn't there?!"
We both busted up laughing.
Also I apologize for the style this is written in. The only way I feel I can express this is to dramatize it a bit, including dialog so that it reads more like a story. This is very personal to me and I wanted to share it with you guys.
. . . FHE and My Friend Dan . . .
Sitting in a car driving through the Nevada desert at night is typically boring. I decided to come out for conference and I brought a friend. A friend who doesn't struggle with SGA and didn't know that I did either.
Conference would be cool. I work for a newspaper so we would have media passes. This means we get into all the sessions and don't have to wait in lines. And yes we are working, this is awesome because when I get home, I get to write about conference and share it with those not of our faith who read the paper. We get to take pictures and all that. We would be able to meet the new apostle and YW Presidency, and attend the press conferences for them.
It was after conference that I was worried about.
I was a little concerned about the Matis FHE. I really wanted to go, I had made some personal resolutions to mend some fences with some of the guys there.
The speaker was someone I've become an accidental fan of over the years. I had met him when he played "Joseph" in "Savior of the World." I hadn't realized it, I was more interested in meeting the actress playing "Mary." But I was looking at my ticket and realized he had signed it. A year or so later he played Alma Richards in "Light of the World," a production performed at the Conference Center during the 2002 Winter Olympics in SLC. Later I met him again at Deseret Books and he signed a CD. He played Hyrum Smith in the new Joseph Smith movie shown at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and that new movie about Emma Smith.
The problem was, how do I explain FHE to my friend without explaining the purpose or more specifically the people attending the FHE without "outing" myself.
I had a couple of the speakers CD's, I played on the way hoping to spark some interest at which I could then go into "Well actually if you like his work, I know how you can meet him," type thing. But that didn't happen. I than told him that Monday I would probably go to family FHE and so if there was anything he wanted to do then he could do it. He said, "No, I'm cool with whatever you want to do."
I was kind of stuck.
Being together with someone for 11 hours is a good way to get to know them. At first I wasn't really sure if he wanted to come, he had tried to bring several people along and then when they bowed out asked if we could cut the trip short. Leave on Wednesday. Dan had always struck me as someone I should get to know; I think it was his eyes or something. He seemed to understand things. The only problem was that I don't think he knew he understood things. By the end of the trip to Utah we would learn a lot about each other, that we both struggle with different but equally challenging things that kept us from being open completely to those around us. That we are both more alike then different. And we ended up staying the whole week.
**********
Earlier that morning we had had lunch at Dee's and this server who must have assumed we were a couple started telling us of some cool things we could do in Utah as long as we didn't let the fact that it was a “theocracy” bother us. He then scribbled his number on the City Weekly.
I ask Dan over our Wisconsin Cheese Soup, if he could tell that the server liked guys
"No, he's not, he was just being nice." I chucked and said, "Dan he was inviting us to go to Gossip on Saturday night after priesthood."
By Sunday night Dan had met a couple SGA friends who are trying very hard to be faithful and who are living the gospel and a couple openly gay friends who weren't. As we were laying in the dark, he asked me outright. "What do you think about it? Do you think its a choice?"
I asked him, "Well do you choose to like girls?"
I asked him how he would feel if during the Priesthood Session if Pres Monson announced that from here-on-out men were to only be attracted to men and date and marry other men and that having sex with women was an abomination. "Would you be able to deal with that?" That he would have to “change” his attraction.
He said he never thought of it that way. He always just thought that guys could just change. "But what does the church feel about it? I mean I know it's a sin?" he asked.
I was sleeping on the couch, he was in his sleeping bag on the floor. It was about 4 a.m. conference was still fresh in our minds. We were tired, but at the point where we weren't sleepy. I told him about the pamphlet and what it says. Two days of being exposed to the gospel accompanied by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir tends to do that to you.
I then told him I had been praying that he would ask me about this because there was something I needed to ask him.
I then told him about Brother and Sister Matis and their son, their book, and I told him about the FHE they host. I told him about the guys who go there. I also told him that I would never put him in a situation where he felt awkward and if he didn't want to go I'd understand.
"I would really like to go," he said. "You know up until now I never really thought about it. I mean I know that there are gay people, but I've never really thought about there being gay people who are trying to be faithful to the church. I guess I don't understand because they still like guys but they are choosing not to act on it. That must really be hard," he said.
"So are you telling me that those guys we stayed with are like that, that they are trying hard and being faithful? He asked. “Do you think they can change?"
I asked him again if he could change and like guys? Than I asked him how he would feel if he loved something as much as we both loved the church but at the same time knew it felt about something that feels to us?
*******
A friend of mine was letting us barrow his condo. It was awesome, but he had friends over the night before so we couldn't actually stay there until that night when they left to play in Moab. Its funny how we come to Utah for conference and a lot of people from Utah escape during the week.
It turned out also that a good friend and former co-worker also just happened to be driving with her friend through Utah that night and called me thinking I was at home wondering if I knew anyone in SLC that they could crash. This was why we were sleeping downstairs and the two girls were upstairs in the bedrooms.
The night before we stayed with two friends who also struggle. Dan was oblivious to this fact. After the server incident he had decided that his gaydar didn't work.
That morning I got a text message from one of the friends asking me if Dan was going to come with us or not. I told him yes.
"You do know there will be gay people there." Was the next response.
I was tempted to say something about how we will just tell him that this was a ward that had a large Elders Quorum who happened to all be really well dressed and share the same affinity for faux hocks, girl pants, tight polo shirts and Aqua Gio. But I didn't.
My friend didn't know that Dan already knew.
*********
So we set off to have lunch with another friend and his friend and friends of his friends. Two of them were planning on going to FHE with us.
After lunch and touring around downtown SLC we headed back to the apartment to pool rides to Lehi. I told Dan that one of the guys we were staying with was panicking because he was going. I told him about the message.
Pulling a face and sounding very GA-ish he said, "Now Jerry, we both know that the correct way to refer to it is Same Gender Attracted and not gay."
I could have hugged him, but I punched him instead. It seemed like the most hetro-way to show affection at the moment. We decided to pull the same joke on my panicking friend when we got upstairs.
*********
On the way home from Family Home Evening Dan thanked me.
"You know besides General Conference, I think this will be one of the highlights of my trip," he said. I sat next to him and thought about the anxiety I had been plagued with the few days before we left when I wondered how I was going to either invite him or ditch him so I could come.
"Those people are awesome and the love they show is so Christlike," he said referring to Brother and Sister Matis.
As we drove back to Salt Lake we marveled at how bright the temples were.
"You know this trip has changed my outlook," he said. "I think I will never look at people and their struggles the same again. We all have struggles and those things are things we deal with. It's how you handle them, how you act on them that determines if things are a sin or not. A lot of those guys are really trying and struggling with something really hard, it makes me want to try harder also."
We sat quietly for a bit. I wondered why he hadn't asked me if I struggled? He explained that it didn't matter to him as my friend, and it only mattered how I choose to deal with it and that was between God and me.
"Jerry, thank you for bringing me tonight," he said. "I think I needed to see this in order to realize this and learn that lesson."
We sat quietly a little more and then he added.
"Oh and Jerry, there was a lot of faux hocks, girl pants, tight polo shirts and Aqua Gio there wasn't there?!"
We both busted up laughing.
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