Saturday, June 16, 2012

Some Personal Refelections

I'm 41 now. I've tried my best to be faithful my whole life, I often feel overlooked or not included in a lot of church things. Recently in CA there has been a big push for a Mid Single group for people 30 to 45 in the church. I think this is great but I wonder why this couldn’t have happened back when I was 30 and not four years from being graduated from it. I want to be married; I'd like to be a father. Most of my friends are. I know that if I was to look at them and compare myself to them I'd feel as if I had failed.

At one point I realized I had three choices. I could throw in the towel and "be happy." This wasn't an option. Two, I could try to "adapt" the gospel and "adapt" a gay lifestyle so that they could fit together in a way that I felt I could justify them. You know, have one of those non-sexual type boyfriends, go to clubs "just to dance" etc. But I realized that living with one foot in the church and one in the world would end up with me not being a whole person. I know that if I was honest to myself I'd realize that this would: A. Make me feel guilty while I was in the world and B. Make me not feel the spirit when I was in the gospel. At any rate I would always end up doing one thing to spite the other, kinda like serving two masters? My third option was to stay strong and live what I believe. This hasn’t always been easy but I have to have faith not only to as the saying goes “Not only Believe in Christ but to BELIEVE Christ.” This isn’t always easy socially; there isn’t a “program” for me to fit into socially, no dances or firesides etc. I used to try to fit into the Student Ward group but after I turned 35 I felt out of place etc.

I also need to never make the mistake of comparing myself to others who seem to have it easy. I can’t look at people who are good examples and start to resent them and say “why me?” I also can’t look at people who choose to do the right thing and feel like it’s an indictment of me. I remember reading some of the really cruel things said and posted about Ty when he got married. I think a lot of the hateful stuff was an attempt to deflect. Now suddenly doing the right thing was seen as being “judgmental of those who weren’t” even saying it was the right choice was wrong and some people delighted in saying things like “well, let’s just wait a few years and see how happy they are.” I need to never make that mistake of seeing another person’s happiness as being attack on my own.

I also know that if I was to allow myself to become cynical or bitter, to feel like I was owed something that God gave me the short end of the stick etc. it would be very easy to let my guard down. I can’t ever do that. I need to be responsible for myself, that’s why I have agency. I know that the struggle is part of how I am to grow, life is just that. Everything I am learning, feeling and doing weighed against what I believe and have faith in. I have to put it into practice and have faith that it will work out no matter what. I trust God and His promises and I know that in the end He will come through in a way that will be more amazing to me than what I could come up with to make me happy.


Bravone said...

I admire your faith. You're a good man Mr. Crow.

Mel said...

Just keep moving forward. You have the right idea, stick with the church, live it and love it, and you will be blessed. Maybe you won't be blessed in the way that you want, but Heavenly Father always looks out for those who are trying to do and be their best for him. You'll get to where you want to be someday. Keep a smile on your face, and the knowledge in your head that you have a HEAVENLY Father who LOVES YOU!

Marco P. said...

This post was, for me, an insight into the tortured mindset of those who try to comply with the false teachings of the Church when it comes to the issue of homosexuality. Is this how you're supposed to live your life? Always searching for happiness and never finding it? Mistaking solitude and service for pious joy? It's ok to be gay. You can still love and serve the Lord if you are gay. More to the point, he loves you because he made you the way that you are. You're 41 years old!!! Snap out of it!! Embrace yourself and be joyful!!!!