I'm 41 now. I've tried my best to be faithful my whole life, I often feel overlooked or not included in a lot of church things. Recently in CA there has been a big push for a Mid Single group for people 30 to 45 in the church. I think this is great but I wonder why this couldn’t have happened back when I was 30 and not four years from being graduated from it. I want to be married; I'd like to be a father. Most of my friends are. I know that if I was to look at them and compare myself to them I'd feel as if I had failed.
At one point I realized I had
three choices. I could throw in the towel and "be happy." This wasn't
an option. Two, I could try to "adapt" the gospel and "adapt" a gay
lifestyle so that they could fit together in a way that I felt I could
justify them. You know, have one of those non-sexual type boyfriends, go
to clubs "just to dance" etc. But I realized that living with one foot
in the church and one in the world would end up with me not being a
whole person. I know that if I was honest to myself I'd realize that
this would: A. Make me feel guilty while I was in the world and B. Make
me not feel the spirit when I was in the gospel. At any rate I would always end up doing one thing to spite the other, kinda like serving two masters? My third option was to
stay strong and live what I believe. This hasn’t always been easy but I
have to have faith not only to as the saying goes “Not only Believe in
Christ but to BELIEVE Christ.” This isn’t always easy socially; there
isn’t a “program” for me to fit into socially, no dances or firesides
etc. I used to try to fit into the Student Ward group but after I turned
35 I felt out of place etc.
I also need to never make the
mistake of comparing myself to others who seem to have it easy. I can’t
look at people who are good examples and start to resent them and say
“why me?” I also can’t look at people who choose to do the right thing
and feel like it’s an indictment of me. I remember reading some of the
really cruel things said and posted about Ty when he got married. I
think a lot of the hateful stuff was an attempt to deflect. Now suddenly
doing the right thing was seen as being “judgmental of those who
weren’t” even saying it was the right choice was wrong and some people
delighted in saying things like “well, let’s just wait a few years and
see how happy they are.” I need to never make that mistake of seeing
another person’s happiness as being attack on my own.
know that if I was to allow myself to become cynical or bitter, to feel
like I was owed something that God gave me the short end of the stick
etc. it would be very easy to let my guard down. I can’t ever do that. I
need to be responsible for myself, that’s why I have agency. I know
that the struggle is part of how I am to grow, life is just that.
Everything I am learning, feeling and doing weighed against what I
believe and have faith in. I have to put it into practice and have faith
that it will work out no matter what. I trust God and His promises and I
know that in the end He will come through in a way that will be more
amazing to me than what I could come up with to make me happy.